Adoptions Together Birth Parent Blog

The courage to share your words....

The people I work with always amaze me, and I am so glad to share their words on this blog.  Keisha wrote to me wanting to share a bit of what is going on with her, and I'm grateful to have heard from her - her words went right to my heart.  (And she's so thoughtful and articulate that I hope everyone is as inspired by her as I am.)

I came upon your blog and believe me I was quite hesitant as to whether I was going to write anything about my situation.  As you know I am a birthmother and am currrently going through the process of putting my child up for adoption.   It is one of the most challenging and hard decisions that I have had to make in my life, and luckily my child's birthfather is helping me with this decision.  For the both of us, it has been an up and down rollercoaster, filled with so many emotions.  But as much as it hurts, I know that this is going to be the best decision for my child. 

When you have children, your job as a parent is to provide for them, do what's best for them, love care and nurture them.  But what happens when you know, that even though the baby is here, that you cannot do all the tasks that are needed for the upbringing of your child?  As a birthmother, it breaks my heart that at this time, I cannot do everything for my child, and I know that I have to be selfless.   This is probably the biggest sacrifice I will ever make in my life, but I know its right.  I also know that, God and Time will allow me to see my child again, and that this family will provide love and care and all the things my child needs.  I got to spend time holding my child and sending her out with all the love I can and a huge piece of my heart, and I know that that means something.  The hardest part of giving your child up is waking up every morning and knowing they arent there and you will spend a big portion of that day worrying and wondering, and knowing that you can only be together in dreams at night.  You cling to the pictures that you have and "what if" questions litter your mind.  Despite all of this,  you know that they are in a good environment and that your child has double the love that many go with out, the love from the birth parents and the adoptive parents. 

Adoptive family response

I heard from an adoptive mom who happened upon the blog and was fairly outraged for birth mothers who are fighting for the updates every year.  Everyone brings their own histories to adoption.  Everyone's responses are different.  This is a different perspective to the idea of openness: 

            As I read through some of the blogs I see on the internet, I am absolutely horrified at the behavior of adoptive parents.  And I am an adoptive parent!

           When I signed up for this “gig”, there were many things I knew I would have to do, things that could be difficult given my conservative upbringing.   I never questioned being able to love a child not biologically related to me…as a teacher, there were several instances I would come home and let my husband know if "X" student needed a home, I wanted to step up.  I never questioned having to prepare my conservative family for such a radical idea, but to my utter surprise and delight, they have more than stepped up.  If a stranger walked into a family gathering, I have no doubt that they would not be able to pick out the “adopted” child.

 I never questioned being able to let a first mom into my life, not in the “Hey move in with me” sense, but if she wanted visits and was not abusive, then who was I to deny her?  This is what has horrified me the most in seeing some of the reactions of adoptive parents.  They seem to think these kids are their possessions, like their houses and cars.  Like these women who allowed them the privilege to parent have no feelings.  And I feel sorry for them because one day may come when they realize this child was never “theirs” in the first place.  The child is “ours”, as in birth family history, adoptive upbringing history, and decisions that child will make that creates his or her life story.

          After all, this first mom, as we generically call her, she gave me the opportunity of a lifetime that I would never have otherwise had.  She chose ME to parent her daughter, trusted that I would nurture her and help her grow.  Trusted that I would not be abusive to her and to do what was within my power to do right by her.  Trusted that if we had an open adoption agreement, that I would honor it, this being most raw kind of trust there is.   How COULD I deny her of her own right to see her child?  Yes, this little girl is undoubtedly  “mine”.  I have claimed her and bonded with her and would take a bullet for her.  I can proudly say I know her better than anybody on the planet.  But she is also somebody else’s daughter, with a history that does not connect to my own.  And she may want this somebody else in her life one day.  Who am I to deny that?  Why make problems for her later down the road?  And why would I want to have to answer the question as she matures, “Why didn’t you let me see my first mom?” when her first mom tells her that the adoptive parent was the one to cut off contact.  I sure don’t want to have to be in that position!

For we don’t own our children, we are given the honor and privilege of guiding them to be the very best they can be for what is ultimately a very short time.  If this is an adoptive parenting situation, that honor and privilege is extra special, because of the level of trust that was given to us.  And if we are lucky, the children will come back to both of their families once they are grown and our relationship with them will strengthen and deepen, but that is their decision to make.

Support network?

What would I do without Talisa?  She is helping to build our community with her posts.  This topic is from her - about the people in our lives.  Even when we feel firmly about our decisions, it's not easy to stand up to disagreement from our friends, family or even acquiantances.  And it's normal to have second thoughts about major decisions, especially when people feed us their doubts.  It takes a lot of security to turn away from what people are saying, and I have known many people who were not able to do so. 

Here are Talisa's comments: 

Hey everyone. I hope that everyone had a great holiday and happy new year.

Throughout my winter break from school, I had a lot of things on my mind. Just the other day I was talking with my boyfriend on the phone about the little things that couples go through.  He was telling me that the other day one of his good friends was engaged just like he and I, and his friend was very worried about what their future was going to be like. I never thought I would say this, but people have to know what they want. I remember I was talking with my mom and asking her if she felt that I was making the right decsion to be engaged at such a young age but she said that as long as I know that I'm doing the right thing and I should take things slow then she feels that I know what I want.

Shopping for christmas presents this past year was wonderful. I never thought that I would be so happy going into a baby store without crying, but I did it and I was so proud of myself. I realized that I was done with letting others who don't support me put me down. I've lost many friends throughout the year since my adoption, and I now know who my real friends are. A lot of the girls that I was friends with told me what a horrible person I was and made me feel like I was nothing. Now that I'm in the New Year, I've made up my mind that only the people who support me and are there for me are the people that I would want to be around. The others who like to talk about me behind my back and critize me are no longer on my mind. I 've learned a valuable lesson from my mom - you never know who is using you from who isn't using, she tells me this all the time.  So I now know that I don't need backstabbers, because they messed up with me. I've definitley forgotten about them. My dad always told me to make your friends with your enemies so I 've tried that, but it hasn't worked. So I will definitly just forget them just like they have forgotten about me.

So my question is are there days were some of you have things like this on your mind?

Sharing feelings through poetry

I have been out of town for the last few days, and I was happy to have some help getting back up to speed today. 

Talisa is our guest blogger today, and she has written a post here before. She wanted to share a poem written by a 9 year old adoptee about her birth mother.  I read the poem, and she seems like quite the mature 9 year old!  See for yourself:

Well, I've been part of this organization at my college called Our Adoptions Organization, which I'm the president for.  It's a support group and also provides education about adoption.  It has been very good for me because everyone in the group supports each other. I never thought that I would be so lucky to become such an important person to these people. They have taught me a lot, and I'm grateful.

I'm writing this blog because of one young lady - Parker-Marie, the daughter of Candace and Philip.  She wrote me a poem about birth moms, but it's also for her birth mom and for my daugther. The poem warms my heart every time I read it, and I wanted to share it with you all.  She is only nine years old, and she told me that she is just expressing how she feels, but I think it's a wonderful poem.  I would love to hear from you guys about what you think.

 This young lady is the most remarkable young lady I've ever met, and she reminds me of me when I was her age, which is a wonderful feeling.  I'm her mentor for the Big Brother, Big Sister Program and I couldn't be more proud. So here is Ms. Parker-Marie' poem                                         

To the mom I never knew

I've always known I was adopted

But I never thought it was a dream

I thought my first mommy didn't love me

Of course I know that isn't true

I've always wondered thinking of you

In my heart I know she's there

I will follow my heart when I know she's near

I live a life of happiness not shame

And I know that she's out there

Living in bliss not pain;

I know that she thinks of me everyday

And I doubt that she would forget my face

I bet she's married and has more kids

And I know that she has told them of her first kid

I love you mommy where ever you are

till that day we meet

We will go far

I know that we will go far and can't be beat

I wanted to let you know that this one is for you

And no matter if you gave me up

You're still my queen

Even though I'm only nine years old

I feel I'm like you in so many ways

The way I look, and feel can't ever be beat;

And I'm proud to say

I have two Mommy's to love

And it's the greatest feeling that God gave me from up above 

                                                

Getting through the hurt

Sheron posted this as a comment to a previous post, but I thought her story was so important that it needed it's own posting : 

Hello, I wanted to share my experience about adoption.  I have a 13 year old daughter that was given up for adoption, and it hurts everyday.  People say get over it, but how the heck can you get over something so dear to your heart?  

I was raised in foster care, and my father sexually molested me at age 18 - yeah, it can happen.  I thought I would go crazy when my foster mom suggested adoption, but it changed my world.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not wonder how in the world is my daughter doing and is she being raised in a good home.  Unfortunately, I did not have the privilege of choosing a home. They took her from me after just a week out of the hospital.  Then I spent two weeks in a psychiatric ward trying to figure out what happened.  But I have had to live with the ridicule of my family - one for turning the cheek when I told them my daughter belonged to my father whom passed away Christmas Eve last year in 2007.  I had to stay by his bedside to tell him the hurt he put me through.  Does anybody know what that feels like?  

I do have a son that is now 7 years of age, and I feel like I am terrific mom to him.  I await the day to see my baby girl, and I hope she receives me too.  The adoption agency gave me this website to write out how I feel and to hope someone out there could give me some inspiration or to share their story if they have their child home now.  My little girl will be of age soon, and I would like to bond with her and form a mother/daughter relationship with her.  I'm hoping she wants one with me.  Does anybody understand?  These years have not been peaches and cream, and it took years before god blessed me with another baby.  Sometimes I think he punished me from having children, but I know i realize he just wanted my mind back in the right place.  I wasn't on drugs nor did I drink, I just needed to let the devil out of my heart and let God do his magic, but the pain will always be there.  I miss her so much.  The only thing i have to hold on to is my memories, and they are not the greatest. 

Well, the agency is sending me an update.  Hopefully, I will write back and let you know how it goes. Pray though, I always know that God does hear us.  When the time is right, bam, watch the miracles happen.  I know he hears me.  I want my little girl back.

Frustration!

This post is from a guest blogger, Molli, and I'm really glad to have heard from her.  People in our lives often let us down in unanticipated ways, and adoptive families are not an exception.  How do you feel when people are not living up to their end of the deal?  Is it a different feeling than when it happens with a family member or close friend? 

Molli's post: 

When I made the descion to give my little girl up in 1999, it was very difficult. I went over lots and lots of family albums with my social worker. There were so many families to chose from and so many different options - religion, open/closed adoption, pictures every year or every 6 months, other kids or no kids, etc.

 

Then I finally found the perfect family. The choice I made I was happy with.  Religion, pictures etc. In the beginning, I had built a pretty good relationship with the adopting parents. They came to a couple of the doctor visits and also came to the hospital to see me when I had given birth to their new baby daughter. The first year I had received letters and pictures every 6 months. I had even received a wonderful Heart locket.

 

But as the last few years have passed, it seems as if they just don't have the time to sit down and chose a few pictures and write a letter to me. It's like pulling teeth to get it. I just don't understand. I mean we bless this family and give them the most wonderful gift ever, and they cant even keep their long term commitment with me, the birth mom. All it takes is 1 hr every 6 months. Not too much to ask for. 

 

I don't want to look at it as a a bad descion. I know she is well taken care of, but they are leaving me no option.  A promise is a promise.  Please help me to understand this situation.

pain vs. pride

Also from a special Guest Poster, Shana, sharing her experience: 

I just want to say a big heartfelt Thank You to the folks who are trying  so hard to understand and be supportive of the experience of being a birthparent. I have found this to be with out a doubt the most difficult and yet positive part of my life. My son was placed thru ATI 9 years ago, (wow that is hard to believe it has already been that long) He was placed in a very loving home with wonderful parents who have helped me so much in more ways than they will ever know. I have really run the whole spectrum of emotions in the last 9 years and I feel like I have finally come to a "happy place" in it all.

Sometimes outsiders mean well but they really are just ignorant on the subject. Face it folks how many of you know more than two people who have shared in this experience, from the same point of view. I learned a long time ago to forgive their words for they know not what they do. The phrase "I could never give up my baby" well we've all heard it, countless times, when in truth no one really knows what they would or wouldn't do until the situation really does show up in your life.

I never thought I would have the strength or courage that I found in myself when God blessed me with the honor of helping to complete someone else's family.  I believe everything happens for a reason. And I believe that I was ment to share in their family. I know that my life took the turns onto the paths it did to pave the way for the completion of their family. I didn't expect it,wasn't prepared for it, but looking back on it now, I was so truly blessed by it.

Make no mistake that somtimes it is very difficult but aren't all things worth doing that way.

I still wonder how I will tell my daughters one day that they have a brother, I wonder if my son will one day wrap his arms around me the way they do. I long to have him tell me he understands, and that he loves me too. I hope one day he does. I hope one day I get the chance to thank his Mommy and Daddy, and to tell them how special I think they are. 

The thoughts go on and on, but the pain has turned to pride!!

Experience sharing

Talisa sent me this posting describing her positive experience planning for her daughter's adoption and asking others to share their experiences: 

I know that making the decision to go through with an adoption is hard. I know it was hard for me; just for the fact that I had to say good-bye to my little girl. I know that it takes a strong and mature person to do it, and everyone who supports me with my adoption has told me that.

My adoption plan is open adoption, and I am proud to say that I love how everything is going for me with my adoption plan. I know that I was depressed for a good two or more weeks about doing the adoption, but with all the support that I was getting, it helped me realize that things happen for a reason, and that the family I chose to take care of her and call her their own is more than just the adoptive parents.  To me, they're like family, and I couldn't be happier with them. Being the birth-mother made me realize that even though I went through with the adoption, it just goes to show how I was thinking about what's best for my daughter. 

So therefore my question for those who have, or are in the process of going through with an adoption, how do you feel going through the whole process from the beginning to the end?