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June 13, 2012

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Barbara,

Your honesty is amazing and refreshing! Sounds like you've come a long way and still have a lot of hope for the future of your relationship with your son and extended family. Thank you so much for sharing and I'm sure you've made an impact in a readers life.

Jessica

I tried to find an email link. This is not the best place to post, in comments, I mean.

OK. I'll take this step by step.
I didn't know I had any rights, just a very big responsibility without any resources. I had my little boy for just about the first year of his life. Not quite his whole first year.

It was heart breaking and completely terrible to have to learn to live without him but it was for his benefit. It was for him.

The adoption of my little boy happened in 1986. Mother's Day of 2011, his finance (now his wife) contacted me.

She was the one with the guts and courage. He was still freaked out and might still feel like that. We are still learning to know each other. I think my feelings of guilt might be making things harder. She, his new wife, keeps telling me that there are no hard feelings; he doesn't care because he has a good life. I still feel so, so bad. I can't help it. I made a very real and intense promise to this boy that I would love and take care of him... I just didn't think that the promise would mean giving him away to another family. However, when I did make this decision, I knew that they would love him, and they did.

I cannot let go of the hurt of losing him and the guilt feelings for choosing it. He has no idea what-so-ever of what I feel. Well, not described from me, that is. I think he can easily guess how I feel though. I don't want him or anyone to know. I don't want to make him feel any more hurt. I try to hide my feelings. I guess that I'm not good at it. I just don't know how to address it all yet.

I did my best as a teenager on my own.
I realized he needed a mom and dad with some kind of stability.
I gave him to them.
He grew up well.
I grew up.
I had 2 more kids many years later.
They always knew about him.
He FOUND me!!!

I'm a grandmother.
I love my adult son, his wife and my grandson. OMG, grandson!!
My son loves me despite my fault.
His wife loves me too.
His parents are so very kind.

We're still learning to know each other.
It's really hard to come into each other's lives.

I gave up something so sacred. I knew it. I can't just BE in his life. It's all so complicated with distance and "distance". We are such different people...

Yet, there is a remarkable likeness. We are learning.

It's been a very challenging year.

Birth-moms, there is hope.
This is a very disjointed message of hope and grief. It's been so hard to navigate especially this past year.
Expect a lot of emotions, fear, trepidation.
XO and Hope.....
Barbara

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Resources

  • Birth Mother Baskets
    A safe and positive space for birth moms to receive support and encouragement.
  • BirthMom Buds
    Peer counseling, support, encouragement, and friendship for birth moms and pregnant women considering adoption.
  • Birthmothers 4 Adoption
    A site where birth mothers can share stories, thoughts, and resources.
  • I Heart Adoption Blog
    Where women considering adoption, birthmothers, and all adoption lovers can come together, share stories and support one another.
  • Open Adoption Bloggers
    A blogroll that includes writers from all sides of open adoption, including adult adoptees, first parents, adoptive parents, adoption professionals, and extended family members.